Connor is doing better than yesterday. One of the nurses successfully placed a PICC line in his arm- this took multiple attempts and days to achieve this when he needed one a month ago!
He is still tolerating his feeds well. His chest xray today looks much better than yesterday. All of his cultures on his blood, snot, etc have come back negative so far for any bacteria but he is now on an IV antibiotic called meropenem that seems to be working well at getting rid of his pneumonia. He is also enjoying his fentanyl for pain prior to every handling which is about every six hours. He was still a bit dopey from it when I got there.
Connor's nurse made him a "happy one month" scrapbook poster and decorated his window with festive stickers. :)
Connor had a good day but Mike and I did not. Mike finally got an appointment to check up on his concussion yesterday because he had been having worse symptoms in the last two weeks (migraine lasting 7 days was one symptom). The doctor was very strict and put him on strict "brain rest," meaning no physical activity, no work, no TV, computers, phones or reading. He has to just lay in the dark and relax for at least one week to one month. So needless to say, he was pretty glum about it.
I have so been more depressed in the last few days. Some days, I feel quite normal and then other days, I am a hot mess. I'm usually ok until someone asks me how I'm doing and then just break down and cry. Today I made the mistake of going to the hospital alone. The visit wasn't too bad but driving home by myself and letting my mind run free is when I get all sorts of thoughts, positive and negative, pop into my head. Today these included:
- these NICU nurses care for these babies like they are their own
- Will Mike and I ever be the same again?
- Will Connor remember this pain at all?
- I sometimes wish that I had never had these twins and it would have been so much easier on everybody :( and what kind of mother thinks that?
- How do we tell Connor one day that he had a beautiful twin sister?
- the cost to cremate a newborn is only $25
- I wish I could go back to work because I miss it so much
- Will I ever be able to look a little girl again without feeling sad, angry or jealous and thinking of Quinn?
- Am I going to lose my bond with Connor because I can't hold him?
oh Michelle - please know I am here for you - my ears are open for listening and my arms are open for hugs. I think it's normal for every mother to go through depression, although every mother experiences it differently. After Lily was born I had a huge breakdown with my mom - just wasn't feeling the way I should after having my first baby. It's easy to be so hard on yourself as a new mom but I think most of us have these feelings. I'm think its good to share your feelings and get it out - you're not alone even though your experience is your own. Find comfort in family and friends, don't be afraid to lean on others. You, Mike and Connor are loved and you'll get through this - even if its one day at a time. Thinking of you guys always. XOX - Amy
ReplyDeleteMichelle ... don't be so hard on yourself. This is a stressful situation you are in and you are bound to have bad days. Better to get it out than internalize ... and now you have two boys to look after with Mike's concussion. Make sure that you look after yourself too ( I know that is easier to say than do). ... I know your Aunt Donna would give you a nice cup of tea and a cookie and let you talk.
ReplyDeleteSharon ...