Connor did really well on the CPAP overnight and they managed to wean down some of the settings and the oxygen down to 37-44%. They also switched the ventilation a tiny bit to the high frequency oscillation type (the one that gently shakes the carbon dioxide out of his lungs).
He now weighs 1460 grams and is continuing on his 19mL feeds. He got even more presents today from volunteers!
I was very emotional today, partially due to the holidays and partially due to lack of sleep. I have been thinking about baby Quinn a lot the past couple of days and what we expected this Christmas to be like a few months ago. We were looking forward to having our last Christmas childless and me being a pregnant whale. :) We were looking forward to getting ready for our twins to arrive and attending our baby showers with friends and family. I was supposed to give birth in February, stay at the hospital for a couple days, then bring two, beautiful, healthy, chubby babies home to meet our family and friends. I don't for one minute feel ungrateful for how remarkably well Connor is doing. I also realize that we could have very easily lost both babies and we are lucky to have Connor with us. It is just hard sometimes to forget everything that we have lost as well.
I had a cry in the hospital today and a long one before bed tonight. I'm worried that I will always have this Quinn-shaped hole that will never be filled and I will think about her on every holiday and every milestone that Connor makes. I'm equally worried that I will forget about her. I'm always going to wonder what she would look like and who she would have become. It's crazy that we only knew about her for a few months and only got to spend 36 hours with her before saying goodbye but she left this giant impact in our lives forever.
We have quite a few new ornaments on our Christmas tree this year and all of them were thoughtful gifts from friends. We got a homemade pink stained glass Christmas stocking for Quinn and a beautiful glass Nutcracker "soldier" ornament for our little soldier Connor. We also have a new angel tree topper to represent our little angel, Quinn.
Mike and I have been overwhelmed with all of the love, support and positivity we have received since October when I was admitted to McMaster. This roller coaster that we were forced onto is a a little less scary with so many friends behind us. Family, friends, acquaintances and strangers have given us rides to and from the hospital, dropped off homemade meals and gift cards so that we could eat healthy and didn't have to worry about shopping or making something. Many have made donations to the NICU at McMaster Children's Hospital in Quinn's name so other babies can benefit from their amazing work the way Connor is now. I have had neighbours invite me in for tea and breakfast and offer to walk and take care of our dog. Some have sent us gifts for Connor that have never met us or him. We have received cards of condolences and congratulations, emails, private messages and wall posts. Phone calls, texts, drop ins, and always lots of hugs. Thank you to everyone.
And to the NICU staff: how can we ever repay you for all of your help and support with Connor? We owe you everything and we hear back from you that you are "just doing your job." Thank you for fighting for Connor like he is your own and helping him like we wish we could. Thank you for noticing how special he is and telling us so. Thank you for answering our endless questions and putting our minds at ease. For making jokes when it looks like I'm about to cry. THANK YOU.
Merry Christmas everyone.
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